Denial is not a river in Egypt

It is a state of mind.

In a moment of clarity I admitted today that the speed with which I returned to work following Mum's death was probably not helpful to me, or if I'm honest, to those around me. The idea of taking some time out is making me look at life through different eyes. Over the last few days I've been looking back at the past months and realising that I've been in denial about a lot of things.

My haste to return to work and the UK was me denying the effect that the months of caring for my mum had on me. Beginning a new relationship, even though it was a welcome distraction and is now missed, was also a reaction to my loss. There's a gap, now I must fill it was my driving mantra and still is.

All this activity was and is a denial of the fact I have suffered a major loss and a life changing experience which has been profound in it's effect. For months now I have pushed memories of the last months, weeks and days of Mum's life from my thoughts in an effort to show the world I'm coping.

The truth is a long way from the mask I show the world. In moments on my own I often find my eyes becoming hot with tears which roll down my cheeks unbidden. That denial has turned itself into a white hot anger which has no aim and falls like lead shot on anyone who mistakenly gets in it's way.

It's not how I want to be, nor is it particularly healthy. With little focus of it's own, my anger has become directed at the thing which most often causes rancor, work. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to get annoyed about on a daily basis at work, but the explosive reactions are not justified. The problem is I just don't know how else to deal with these feelings which will not subside.

I do some form of physical exercise everyday in an attempt to wear myself out and raise my endorphin levels. This alone does not seem to be working. At the end of the day I still find myself restless and my mind will not be quiet. I can not sit still for more than a few minutes, my mind a constant whirring of cogs and sprockets connected to a hair trigger.

I guess I just have to float down that old river until it spits me out in the ocean.